what are you doing God?

pretty sure this might have been a little more than i have bargained for.

sometimes you think you know what you are getting yourself into. well this time i didn't.

i was pretty sure things would happen to me in ireland that i never expected. it's been quite interesting really. yes, i have been able to see some amazing sites of this beautiful country, meet some beautiful people, and i've fallen in love with broken children in a broken city. but, i don't think i was at all prepared for God's intense pressure on my heart.

how do i explain.

things have been happening all at once. overwhelming feelings. fear. sadness. happiness. doubt. despair. delight. it's almost like i'm drinking bipolar tea. each day could be different. now, i not going around throwing things, or screaming at people. i'm just extra intentional about listening to what my heart is saying each moment.

i guess it might help to be a little more specific.

i read Haggai 2:6-9. ironically this is a tiny, little book in the bible that is quite hidden. it might be one of those lost books that never gets the attention it deserves. this is where God lead me. haggai describes how the people in jerusalem where supposed to be building God's house first, and then finishing their own. guess i have a habit of this as well. i'm pretty sure i'm focused on me, and then maybe how God might fit into that.

a book i'm reading described the verse this way:

pay attention because important things are happening- God is shaking things up.

now, i know this to be true.

i don't know what will happen when i leave ireland. and in fact i don't think i want to leave. my heart has grown quite large and heavy for the little ones at the two community centres i've been able to work at. there is a disco party on friday, and some of the children were calling it my going away party since i will be leaving on monday. so sad i am. the irony is that i have not even been here that long.

as you can see in one week many things have happened.

i can't go into all of my heart strings that have been pulled. but just know that as i will turning 29 this year. God is making some things quite clear. and then again they are still pretty fuzzy. He has a way of doing that. He may open you up to new possibility or option, but then with open doors, change will happen.

my life in nashville is all about transition. i'm just used to it. i don't really know how else to live.

i long for constant. i long for a place to plant my feet and my garden. i long for a opportunity to share this constant.

it might be awhile before that happens. as i've realized God gave me a really big heart. one that grows quite fast. one that loves seriously. intentionally. and i'm pretty sure if your heart is big like mine you have to share it.

i guess my life will be changing again. not sure the details. but just sure of the change.

pray.